Boys Don't Cry
by KyoKohitsuji
Summary: Castiel can't get Dean to open up and has all but given up, but he'll never leave his side all the same. Dean is approaching meltdown from his inner torment. Song embodies the moment.


Boys Don't Cry

A fan fiction by KyoKohitsuji

Beta'd by HeavenlyBodies

Rating: Mature

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except a bottle of 40 volume bleach to dye/kill my hair with, which I also make no profit on.

Summery: Castiel can't get Dean to open up and has all but given up, but he'll never leave his side all the same. Dean is approaching meltdown from his inner torment. This song embodies the moment.

Warnings: M/M slash content. Song!fic

A.N: This was something I really wanted to do back in the day when there was literally no Castiel POV out there. Nowadays I'm not a fan of writing from one character's POV but I'm glad I took the time to sit and write this all in Castiel's own thoughts. If nothing else it was an exercise to stretch my writing.

_You sit there on the couch,_

_Sipping your scotch and ice._

_You turn the T.V on, and tune me out again._

The night is dark and has a sultry monotonous cruelty to her darkness. I watched on closely as Dean Winchester; the man who unknowingly owns my eternal heart, twitched and shuffled his body relentlessly in the worn out, dingy motel room, which was more than fraying at the edges from far too many passing lives through her doors, and she is left tainted with all the scenes which have played out here. Where we are staying now, passing through like all the others.

Then again we aren't like the others.

My eyes never leave him as I watch the slightest strain in the tired muscles of his arm as he lifts his glass to his lips and takes an overzealous gulp of his drink. He hisses ever so slightly as the liquor burns its way down his throat and warms him inside out. He rubs his temples with the rough fingertips of a warrior, trying to ease the torment which I know lays there in his head. I've never wanted anything more than I wanted to simply reach out and take it from him.

I'd give anything… I'd fall from grace, leave the heavens behind and I'd do it all in a heartbeat if only it meant a single moment of peace for this tortured hunter.

He probably feels my watchful gaze burning through him, though if he does he never says a thing, nor does he show any resentment of my watching him. He tried to ignore my presence completely when I arrived, in fact… He's been ignoring me all together lately, especially when we are alone.

I wonder if he knows how that hurts… How much I yearn for his attention, his approval and his favour. How much I need him.

_So what would you say to me._

_If you could talk to me._

_You could ask anything,_

_I wouldn't lie._

His strong body twisted a little as he turned to me and his soft lips parted as though to speak, but not a sound fell from those lips. Only the ghost of a caught breath. My heart stuttered remorsefully in my aching chest as though the muscle itself had been shocked by the cruel treatment. What could he not ask me? He must know I'd offer him any and all of my earthly knowledge. This man… If he asked for my grace, I'd rip it from me and hand it to him meekly.

I search my mind, body and soul for the words; those that only he would understand. The right way to reach out to him, to tell him how I feel, that this is driving me insane! But I don't… For the fear of him abandoning me like so many abandoned him is overwhelming and so I stay silent. I push it all back down, deeply locked away as my shameful secret.

_But you're okay with this,_

_Damaging awkwardness._

_So I'll just play it safe,_

_And keep it inside._

'_Cause boys don't cry…_

"Cas…"

The smallest of whispers floats in the air like a newly born butterfly in the summer's breeze. His voice was but a small cracking murmur, but it was my name. I gather up my strength so as to not fly to him and beg him to tell me what he wants and I shall get it for him. When I have taken a moment to collect myself I answer. "Yes, Dean? What do you need?"

Even I am impressed at how much I manage to keep my voice from breaking, but as he looks up at me from the worn out seat, with so much fear in his scared, childlike eyes I cannot help myself and I am at his side within seconds. He tries to speak several times but it's no use he shakes his head and drags his fingers through his short tufted hair before looking back to me with sheer determination in those fiercely green eyes.

He speaks with a tone so lost. "I don't want this… all this tension and silence and… I can't do it, not… not with you, Cas."

_I used to hold your hand._

_So tight there was no question._

_But now even when you're near,_

_I've never felt so alone._

As he searched my wide eyes I felt the loneliness creep back to its shadows. His arm twitched and his fingers flexed before he reached out if only for a moment before pulling back. With my mind racing trying to decide what to do it was hard to think straight at all. This was a breakthrough, such a strong one and I didn't want to push my hunter back over the edge he'd just come back from, but by god did I want to comfort him. So badly did I want it, it hurt deep within me as though it was a piece of me, missing, and only when in Dean's arms would it return to me safely and I would become whole again.

Gathering all the strength I had internally and taking a deep unnecessary breath, I tentatively reached out my hand and placed it softly on his cheek. I felt it when he shivered and leaned into my palm. His eyes screwed so tightly closed and his brow tensed, I could feel it again when he fought to keep something back, something from bursting out of him and changing things. I desperately tried to understand why he would hold such a thing within himself if it hurt this much, but right now I'd take anything he had to give me.

I tried to ease the grim lines away from his worried face and rubbed the line of his cheek with the pad of my thumb. He spoke again through gritted teeth and refused to look at me. "There's so much I want to… I wish I could say, Cas. But... But, I just can't…"

_So what would you say to me,_

_If you could talk to me._

_You could ask anything,_

_I wouldn't lie._

_But you're okay with this,_

_Damaging awkwardness._

_So I'll just play it safe,_

_And keep it inside._

'_Cause boys don't cry…_

I felt my heart shattering within the cavity of my chest watching the pain washing over this beautiful man before me. I caressed his cheek while he let my hand stay there, even if he could not meet my gaze while doing so. Again I pleaded with him to allow me to help him. "Trust me, Dean. Put your faith in me, as I do in you. Do not keep this all inside and deal with it alone. Please… tell me, let me help you."

The elder Winchester brother suddenly looked up at me and he looked so stunningly beautiful as he searched my eyes frantically, as though they held the meaning of life. I recognised the look so well as that is exactly what I saw each and every time I looked into Dean's emerald gaze.

His lips parted, but again not a sound was heard. He groaned in frustration at himself for not being able to word how he was feeling. The hunter's work worn hand came to lay upon mine on his cheek and he softly turned his face into my palm inhaling deeply as his lips brushed against the sensitive skin on my wrist. It set a fire within me that I cannot describe.

I saw the internal battle that lay in wait in his eyes and I saw the moment he snapped, for seconds later he lunged for me. His desperate lips pressed against mine in an overwhelmingly soft manner. He was questioning his actions even now. I was on fire from the moment his lips touched me, an all-consuming burning fire that scorched my insides and anything within its ruthless path. Before he could second guess himself and pull away from me, my hands rose almost of their own accord and held him tight to me.

A breathy moan was all that could be heard as I weaved my fingers into his short hair and kissed him with everything I had. Dean pulled back slightly and leaned his forehead against my own. We were so close I could feel his hot breath on my lips and it was erotic in such a manner I had never experienced nor knew of.

"Cas, this is killin me, man… keeping it in, hiding it. I don't wanna do this anymore. I… Iloveyou… Fuck, please don't leave, Cas."

I smiled a smile so joyful I am sure my brother's and sister's must have heard it's song of love. When I spoke to answer his fears it was with a wistful sigh on my tongue as I stroked his cheek and just kept smiling. "Dean, I have loved you longer than I have understood the concept of love between humans. Through all that we have faced I have never, nor will I ever truly leave you. I'll stand by your side always. If you stand with me."

_If you just stand beside me_

_I'll keep you in my life._

_Tell me how much you love me_

_And I'll be just fine_.

And then I knew. I knew exactly what love looked like, for it was staring back at me in the unashamed smile that reached right to the corners of Dean's eyes. I was sure I needed to take time to commit that wondrous look to my memory, but when I started to gloss over his strong features I was abruptly stopped by his soft lips crashing into mine in a blind, passionate fury.

His hands intertwined with mine as we kissed and learned every contour of the other's welcoming mouth. It was euphoric as we finally let loose all the pent up emotion within us. I still cannot believe I could ever do this even as my hands moved on their own as I began to peel off layers of my love's clothing. My fingertips were so curious at each new patch of heated skin beneath them as they journeyed further still, but Dean began to tremble and his kisses grew unsure. "Don't be afraid, Dean. Please? Let me love you…"

Dean merely smiled as though he knew something, the answer to any question. His heavy hand reached up and cupped my cheek, I was growing to love the feeling of his hands on me and so I turned into his touch for just a moment before I searched for his eyes once more. The gaze held between us was so deep it seemed to penetrate my very soul. I shuddered at the intensity as he spoke but a whisper. "Make love to me."

Lips seeking lips met in a passionate kiss soon after those words were spoken. It didn't take us long to rid each other of the clothes that parted us and when we were rid of the last layer that kept us apart, the feeling of skin on skin was exquisite.

Our bodies entwined, we writhed together in a haze of love and lust. Soft kisses turned frenzied, gentle touches turned rough and needy. We worshipped each other's bodies until finally we became one and the feeling of completeness that followed was overwhelming as our bodies rocked towards their climax.

After our climactic moment of pure bliss, we lay in each other's arms for the longest time coming down from the heights of everything we had done.

_So what would you say to me._

_If you could talk to me._

_You could ask anything,_

_I wouldn't lie._

The last words whispered into the night… "I love you"


End file.
